How Youtube is Sending Me into Therapy

This is what happened

Okay, so I launched a new feature last week. A new VIDEO feature.

Did you see the emphasis on the word “video?”

Let’s just say I’m having some struggles coping with this one.

Not like it’s my first video post – I’ve uploaded to Youtube before.

But this time felt different. Probably because I wasn’t doing it as a one-off. I am intending to upload video tutorials twice a month, so I’m not just doing something and letting it fall into the mists of time, the way I used to do.

So what’s the issue?

God, how I hate telling you this.

Why?

Because it’s a body image thing. And I’m supposed to be over that. I’m supposed to be all confident in how I look and never have a weak moment about it.

Yea, right.

But the truth is, looking at myself on video lands me smack-dab in the middle of some horrid, funhouse mirror Land of Terror. I just don’t like the way I look on Youtube. And it’s not Youtube’s fault. No, it’s my lighting. And the angle of my webcam. And the limited ways I can position it.

Or maybe those are just my defenses.

Maybe all that’s just my way of saying, I can’t handle how my body looks on video.

Which is awful to say, because I love the way I look in real life. Yet, when I see these videos, I’m left wondering whether I’m completely deluded in real life. I mean, how dare I go through life thinking I’m some hot, sexy thing, when, apparently, in REAL reality, I look like a damn tree trunk.

Because I cannot believe how I look on video.

It’s like I’m a goddamn linebacker with no ass and a bulbous middle.

And what’s really weird is, I actually love my stomach in real life. I flash her at my man all the time, because we are both in agreement that she’s so rockin’ hot.

Moreover, I will go on record right here and now to say my ass is AWESOME. Just truly awesome. Not bodacious, not “baby got back” awesome. But tiny, amazing-detail-for-a-miniature awesome.

But all that disappears on video. What is left is my thick-waisted, hipless body. Worse, my video is taken from an angle that looks slightly down (which I have GOT to fix), so that I only look bigger on top and smaller on the bottom.

Honestly, I have curves. Really, I do. I’m a girl, goddamnit. It’s just, I’m not an especially curvy girl. I am very … well, I am very thick. I just am. I don’t indent in my waist much at all, and I’m so short-waisted that it’s like everything was just built on the same spot with no definition visible at all.

Granted, I could just accept that the videos are showing how I look in real life – just suck it up and deal with it. But I honestly think that, while not Marilyn Monroe (except in my heart), I am curvier and less bulbous-looking than they make me seem.

So, yes, I will play with the lighting and angles. And maybe I’ll play with my clothing a bit. It’s just I hate to have to cover up when I’m so pleased with my tummy in real life.

So, maybe I’m in denial. Maybe I really am a slab of lumber with the soul of a bawdy cabaret dancer.

My pledge

But one thing I won’t do is stop videoing. At least, not because of this. I mean, I would if I felt I had nothing to share. Or if what I were sharing didn’t seem useful to anyone. But I won’t stop videoing just because I look like an orb on a two-by-four.

I will remember that my personality and sparkle and innate charm (not to mention endless talent for self-flattery), are what make me sexy in real life. That those are the things that lure people to take a second glance and see that maybe – just maybe – I’m not so globular, after all.

What I won’t do, is give up my belief that I am beautiful, even if that belief has to take a few blows.

Feeling ugly is just too exhausting.

Most of all, I’m going to believe that, since all my pole buddies are beautiful, maybe – just maybe – I am, too.

Tell me, my lovely and fabulous pole buddies, how do you handle seeing yourself on video? Is it easy? Is it hard? Has your perspective on it changed? Do tell!

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11th January, 2010 - Posted by PoleSkivvies - 12 Comments
Filed under: Jennifer's Rants