Getting Lost, Getting Found

Time to Regroup

My lifestyle was very different in my 20s – I had less responsibilities and no one but myself to please. It was the perfect combination for creating a life of inward focus.

Now, though, in my 40s, I have a ton of responsibilities and a whole family to think about – not a good setup for living a life of perfect connection to one’s body.

But, too bad.

As of today, I am intensively going back to the path I had in my 20s, in which I connected deeply to my body. I’ve had to do this periodically before, but never so thoroughly as now. I feel buzzy inside too much, in a frantic way and not my usual happy hummingbird way.

Not for any reason, really. Just a conflagration of events: my day job is randomly intense and randomly numbingly boring, with bouts of emotional abuse thrown in at random. It always eats the majority of my week, even though it gives the least back to me in any but financial terms.

Then there’s PoleSkivvies, which I adore, but which is taking an increasing amount of time and always pushes me to the edge of my comfort zone, forcing me to learn and adapt on the fly.

And then I have a family. Isn’t that crazy? I have a family now. I have a wonderful boyfriend and stepdaughter, plus my furry beast and a persnickety cat (albeit, with an inviting tummy).

And pole dancing. Because it’s hard to feel I have the right to talk as much as I do about pole, if I never go pole, myself. And pole is, quite honestly, as exhausting as it is invigorating.

Basically, my mind is always on. And my body, which needs a lot of rest to stay healthy, is hanging by a thread.

The wilderness years

Back in my 20s, I was having a lot of problems with my Crohn’s disease – lots of pain, a bowel obstruction, and, in the end, surgery to remove a lot of scar tissue blocking my intestines. The thing is, my pain returned within only three months.

There was no concrete reason for this. I wasn’t having a flare-up. The obstruction had been removed. I should have had a reprieve. But, instead, there I was again, right back in square one.

I took myself on retreat. I figured the problem had to be something I was doing. I wanted some quiet time to puzzle out what that might be.

A way out

What I learned was, I needed to be in my body every moment, to feel what she was doing and how she was responding in every situation. I put myself on a very regimented schedule – every minute of every day was blocked out.

But this wasn’t rigid; it was freeing.

I no longer needed to think about what had to get done and when would I find the time to do it. All I had to do was whatever was slotted for that period of time, and all would be fine. And while performing whatever the given task was, I had to pay attention to how I felt.

This turned out to be a life-changing thing for me. In the end, I noticed my abdominal muscles constricted while I ate, and I learned to relax them. I learned my breathing didn’t go into my lower abdomen, and I started breathing deeper. I learned that my gut was so messed up that it would take five days of eating nothing that bothered me whatsoever, in order to make up for one day’s bad choice. I learned that if I made that poor eating choice again in that 5-day window, the window started over.

It took me a few years to figure it all out, but in the end, the pain was gone. The bloating and gas was gone, and, on the rare occasion it would reappear, I knew what had caused it. And I knew how to undo it.

That hint of precognition

It’s not by coincidence that this is when I’m also dealing with a ton of body pain, all stemming from being frozen in one position too long – sitting too long, standing too long, typing too long.

It seems synchronistic that I’m joining forces with Mark of HowToStretch.com at this moment (look for it this Wednesday!). As if I knew subconsciously that I was reaching my limit and would soon need to rearrange my world – starting with my body.

So, in keeping with the case study I’m doing with Mark, I’m also taking a page out of my 20-something life, and introducing a set time to meditate and stretch, every morning and every night. First thing, last thing.

I don’t know much about how other people meditate, but, to me, it’s a time to move my body and breathe into her. Find where she’s stiff, see if emotional pain is hiding away somewhere, waiting for release. A time to center and regroup on my own goals, personal and spiritual, and make sure I’m living my life in keeping with them – or find a way back to that path if I’m not.

On some level, I think my being knows the next year is going to get real busy, and this is my way of letting the rest of me know the time is now to get prepared. Not just so I can handle it, but so I can thrive within it, rather than succumbing to it.

Be sure to check out Mark’s guest post, on stretching your shoulders. We’ll be doing a series starting this Wednesday, using me as a case study. You’ll see how I progress with his DVD!

31st May, 2010 - Posted by PoleSkivvies - 1 Comment
Filed under: Jennifer's Rants

11 Random Things You Didn’t Know About Me

In case you were wondering

I realize you already know way too much about me, but, nevertheless, I thought it would be fun to throw in some random factoids prior to meeting so many of you at the DC Convention.

And speaking of DC …

You should totally stop by my booth at the DC Convention! Fun things will be going on there … giveaways and prizes and cool deals! Okay, I have yet to figure out all the details, but cool stuff, I promise!

Read on, MacDuff!

So, if you’re wondering who this kooky chick is who writes all these posts, read on …

1. I took up pole … so I could continue to eat pie as I approached menopause.

2. I have Crohn’s disease. Not a bad case, but it’s been bad enough at different times in my life that my main thought in any situation is usually, oh, god, I hope I don’t crap my pants. (So if I ever look distracted in person – or dash out abruptly – you’ll know what I’m thinking!)

3. I don’t think anything smells as good as the top of my doggie’s head.

4. My childhood had some odd, sexually abusive notes, and I have often thought I don’t remember chunks of it. Still, since I can’t remember, I feel like I’m lying whenever I want to say I have PTSD, even though I show all the symptoms of it.

5. My drink of choice is honey tea. Microwave one eight-ounce glass of water for one minute, then stir in a heaping forkful – yes, FORKful – of honey. Yumm! (The fork keeps the tea from sloshing over the edge of the glass.)

6. I didn’t get my period until I was 16 and had no figure to speak of until I was 20. Between that and being mistaken for a boy at age six, I spent years thinking no one could tell I was a girl. (Note: I am a girl.)

7. I have spoken to my mom only once in 22 years – and that was 16 years ago.

8. Until recently, my biggest frustration in life was that my favorite birth control method (Prentiff cervical cap) had been discontinued. Worse than the time, many years ago, when my favorite spermicide (without nonoxynol-9!) stopped being manufactured and I managed to track down eight tubes in a pharmacy in North Carolina, but they were already sold. (Update: I have since gotten an IUD (Paragard), and am now strongly considering giving the IUD Favorite Birth Control status!)

9. I once dated a guy just because his dick was so big. I didn’t intend to date him. I just freaked out when I saw his penis and couldn’t go through with sleeping with him. I wound up dating him just so my brain would have time to wrap itself around the idea. In retrospect, I don’t know what the big deal was – he was very long, but not unusually wide. Still, I was just a rookie – what did I know?

10. I floated up a tributary to the Amazon on a raft.

11. I like to talk. A lot. Americans never fully understand this trait. The Irish and Spanish do.

What about you?

Any random things you’d care to share?

Do tell!

10th May, 2010 - Posted by PoleSkivvies - 10 Comments
Filed under: Jennifer's Rants

Can Pole Parties Be Safe?

Trying to Help a Tweep

This post was triggered by a question a tweep of mine had about her new business doing pole parties. She wanted to know the ins and outs of the pole party biz, and she was hoping to get some useful guidance and do some networking.

I said I’d help spread the word, so I posted her question on Facebook.

Big mistake.

What resulted was not at all pertinent to her question, but was, instead, a big hijacking of the thread into a shouting match about the perils and evils of doing pole parties.

This pissed me off.

One, because I don’t like a panic-based worldview to be presented as indisputable truth. And, two, because hijacking is just annoying, in general. Worse, I actually posted a second time, specifically stating that the previous thread had been hijacked, and it happened again.

So, grrr all around.

Which is why I thought I’d just take the topic to my blog, where I have a little more control of the airwaves, so to speak.

Why I thought the hijacked comments were bullshit.

The hijacker felt that letting a bunch of people who have been drinking try pole tricks was a bad idea. She also felt that letting people with no training, who are trying to party instead of learn, try even basic spins was a risk.

These thoughts are not what I thought was bullshit. In fact, I totally agree with them.

Where I disagree was in the belief that there is no other way of doing pole parties, let alone any way of doing them safely.

How I would set up a pole party business.

First and foremost, I wouldn’t allow any aerial moves.

None. At all.

Not even a basic fireman spin.

Why?

Because even a basic spin requires correct shoulder position and proper conditioning, which is not possible to ensure in a rowdy, boisterous party.

Now, some of you might say the no-spins rule is overreacting.

And, maybe it is. But I really don’t think alcohol and aerial spins mix. On the other hand, if you have a no-drinking rule at your parties, you may be able to teach beginner-level spins properly.

Personally, though, I’d teach the sexy, non-aerial stuff. You know they want sexy, if they want a pole party! I’d teach them seductive turns, hot floorwork, and sexy poses.

I’d finish by doing a demo of a real pole dance, with all the moves – AFTER they are done with the lesson. Just to show them what they could learn and, if I were teaching (as many pole party types also are), it would give them a taster of what more they could learn.

And don’t forget the basics.

Insurance, insurance, insurance. Get some. Then get some more. You are dealing with people’s homes, removable poles on unknown ceilings and floors, and a bunch of drunken wild women. Make sure you’re covered.

26th April, 2010 - Posted by PoleSkivvies - 17 Comments
Filed under: Jennifer's Rants

This Pole Dance Blog: Finding My Way

Me as Pole Dance Blogger

I’ve been blogging for most of a year now, and I’ve gone through a lot of stages with it. From finding topics to finding my voice to, now, finding my truth.

So far, that’s the hardest. Because it’s so illusory. I felt from the beginning that I wanted to write from the heart on this blog. I thought, for awhile, that the hardest part about doing that would come from the fact that my blog is part of my business. I worried that I’d have to hide my feelings in deference to my desire to make sales.

But that really hasn’t been the case. In fact, it’s more the opposite – whenever I write a post so personal that it scares me to upload it, I have learned those are usually your favorites. So I guess I am blessed with very forgiving, supportive readers.

So, What’s the Issue?

The problem, then, isn’t about my business keeping me from saying things. It’s more about the role having this blog has given me within the pole community. At first, no one had ever heard of me, but now thousands of pole dancers read my posts, which is something that is still sinking in. I mean, I know from my site stats that my audience has been growing, but it still feels surprising to see how big the audience has gotten.

And therein lies the quandary about honesty in this blog. What might be just some random person blowing off steam about an annoying pole dance incident becomes something quite different when thousands of people within the pole dance community are reading it. That readership lends it power, which is something I am learning how to navigate, and which I am careful to respect.

And, yes, the business does seep into it a bit. For instance, you may have noticed I have strong opinions about stripping and pole dance. These are not always popular opinions – not with pole fitness types and not with exotic dance types. So sometimes I struggle with writing them – how do I not get rejected by this community I so enjoy, yet still remain honest? And how do I do both of those things while still growing this business? Offending people does not tend to increase sales.

How I’ve Learned to Navigate This

What I’ve tried to do, then, is to write from my heart and warn you of posts that might piss you off. Ergo, my invitations from time to time to unsubscribe before reading any further.

The other thing I do is take an annoying situation that I have experienced personally and, rather than publicize it – which, I think, can backfire in unpleasant ways and may be just generally unfair – I write about it as a concept. For instance, in trying to deal with my own experience with bad pole instruction, I wrote a post on pole teachers to avoid, which talked about types of teachers and how to tell if you should find a new one.

I guess what I’m saying here is that I try very hard to be honest with you, but that the concept of honesty means something different now that my readership is larger. Being too (so-called) honest can really mean being unfair and getting in a flame war. I don’t want to do that, and I don’t think it serves any purpose. I also try to remind myself that, while I do think it’s okay for me to talk about my own experiences in pole and the pole community – both good and bad – my experience does not represent everybody’s experience.

So the best I can do is provide information, which is what I try to do. About finding a good teacher, about the issues at hand with pole dancing, about the myriad of things we talk about on this site.

Interviews

Which brings me to the interviews. I love reading the interviews I post on this site. I still remember when the idea of doing them occurred to me, and how fun it’s been to get to know so many of the amazing pole dancers out there.

But, again, as my readership has grown, I have come to see that what has always been, to me, just a fun way to learn other pole dancers’ stories, is taking on the weight of a recommendation to my readers.

And that makes me nervous.

While I love the people I interview and think my readers should definitely check them out, I would never go so far as to personally recommend any instructor I don’t know well. And, obviously, I can’t possibly know personally everyone I interview, let alone have studied with all of them. Knowing someone from Facebook and the forums is just not the same as taking classes from someone.

Which is why, much as I am thrilled with these wonderful dancers who have been interviewed on my site, I do not see the interviews as a recommendation. That is why I post so much about how to tell if your teacher is competent and what to look for when choosing an instructor.

I hope that my interviewees understand that, rather than giving a blanket recommendation to everyone I interview, I instead make a point of educating pole dancers on how to find a safe instructor. I trust they will respect me for that, just as I trust that any instructor worth studying with would prefer an educated student who wants a high level of instruction over one who can’t tell the difference.

What it comes down to

In the end, I guess I just wanted to have a chat with you all and let you know how I’m responding to the new role this blog seems to have given me. I want to continue being able to share my thoughts, but I also want all of you to understand that part of any relationship – even that between blogger and reader – requires some work.

And, on your part, that work is to learn enough about pole to take care of yourself, and not take a blind recommendation from anyone.

Not even me.

How do you all navigate the social media waters of pole dancing?

5th April, 2010 - Posted by PoleSkivvies - 4 Comments
Filed under: Jennifer's Rants