The day I opened my mouth
Way back when I first started this blog, I did a post on strippers and pole dancing. This came about because I was getting really ticked off at pole dancers doing the “I’m no stripper” thing, when their very own teachers had learned how to pole from working as a stripper.
The response to that post has been incredible – I still get emails about it and comments on it. Which is kind of what prompted me to write this post.
You see, one commenter early on in the thread wrote to explain how she had difficulties with strippers and, while she didn’t judge them, she didn’t want to be mistaken for one, either. Well, just recently, she added a follow-up comment (since deleted, upon her request) to the thread, trying to explain her viewpoint even more.
The thing is, I suspect it would have only served to fan the flames. Because there is something underlying this issue that no one likes to talk about.
The thing no one wants to admit about stripping
No one wants to admit their own discomfort with stripping. And, yes, I mean NO ONE. Not even the people who are convinced it’s a sinful, devil-inspired evil.
The fact is, no matter what side of the political/social spectrum you’re on, you’re screwed if you admit you’re uncomfortable with your feelings about stripping.
Let me explain.
If you’re really religious – and, since I’m not, I freely admit, this is just my take take on what I’ve seen – you’re supposed to be one hundred percent against stripping. If you have any feelings of desire to be desired like that, or to move like that, you have to guard them. Keep them secret. Alter them so that, when they pop out of your mouth, they sound the way your listener thinks they should. Because god forbid you say the wrong thing and get labeled a whore, too.
If religion isn’t your thing, then you might find you’re being screwed by your own feminist beliefs. And by your surprisingly and caustically unsupportive feminist friends. Because, you see, you’re supposed to be pro-woman. And that means you can’t like women selling themselves in any sexual way. Because that’s wrong. And it’s exploitive. Always. Yes, always. Always, always, always. And you’re supporting trafficking if you like to watch strippers. And you’re supporting the breakdown of any real possiibility of male-female connection if you don’t mind your fella getting lapdances. (If you’re lesbian, you may be excused – lesbian lapdances are a statement of feminist empowerment. Heterosexual ladies, feel free to consider yourself fucked in this case. However, it’s rare we have to take it on the chin, as opposed to our lesbian sisters, so just suck it up.)
And, if you’re one of those types who is pro-woman but trying to be supportive of stripping, then you’re screwed, too, because you were raised the same way as everybody else, and deep down, you still have issues with how stripping is perceived. This comes across as pseudo-supportive, post-feminist commentary if you don’t strip and as defensive rhetoric if you do, and often a lovely combination of both.
Which is to say, we’re all fucked.
I just don’t believe anybody feels that comfortable with stripping. It’s way, way, way too loaded a topic. Even when someone is upfront that they strip, there’s so much careful editing going on, or careful selection of the audience, that I just don’t think anybody actually feels fully at ease with it. Maybe the “not at ease” feeling comes from other people’s baggage, but that’s still what we have to deal with, so the end result is the same . It’s a tricky subject.
My thoughts on stripping
Let me just start this section off by saying – yet again – feel free to unsubscribe.
Even as I write this, I am picturing all the different people I’m about to offend. So be it. I don’t want to be in the position of leading a dialogue on this topic and not have my own personal mixed brew of feelings owned up to. I know that everyone will interpret what I write here as they see fit, but that’s true of any post.
And, for the record, I’m not saying this because I think I’m right; I’m saying this because these are the thoughts in my head and they are honest, and if I can’t be honest on my own blog (which is a whole fucking post in and of itself), then this is really a ridiculous thing I’m doing.
Feel free to bow out now.
- I like really hot, sensual movement. I do not find that super-sexualized dancing necessarily achieves that. But, neither am I saying that it never can.
- I have only been to a strip club once. It was fun. The dancers were lovely and talented, and seemed really, really nice.
- I chickened out of getting a lap dance. Long before getting into pole, I had forbidden my man to ever get a lap dance while we were dating. As my views broadened thanks to pole, I found I really wanted a lap dance, myself (pre-chickening out), and I decided I couldn’t forbid him to get one. We made plans to go to a strip club together, but never went. He knew – I was in denial – that I’d freak out if I saw him enjoying a lap dance, which would mean he’d be sitting there scared to death. And I’d be just as much a wreck, from being totally insecure. I mean, I know I’m hot, but it’s not like I know that every single minute. And not reliably at all when my man is getting ridden by another woman – I’d be needing reassurances that I was attractive all night. Sad, but true. We decided that my trips to strip clubs should only be with the girls, and his should only be with his buddies.
- I always wanted to be a prostitute, but never had the guts.
- I think stripping takes guts. And, yes, I see that there is a difference between stripping and prostitution.
- I feel defensive of strippers when people start putting them down, or putting pole dancing down for being connected to stripping.
- I feel weirdly hip and cool by taking the position of being pro-stripper in the pole dance community, which makes me then think I’m a total sell-out and fake.
- I feel a bit like I’m playing a role when I talk about stripping, because I have such a suburban background and feel so uncool.
- I would love to strip on stage. I am toying with doing burlesque. Not sure if I could handle an amateur night at a strip club.
- I wonder if I would freak out if I did strip on stage. I know I would freak out less doing burlesque than an amateur night.
- I think I would hate having to grind on strange men for pay, but I fantasize about it a lot. Not sure how I’d feel if I stripped but didn’t do lap dances. Of course, doing phone sex burned me out in three months, so the odds are I wouldn’t last long.
- When I was a teenager, I had a bad obsessive-compulsive disorder that led to YEARS of handwashing and showering. It was connected to feelings of sexuality – mainly, those being dumped on me by the adults around me – and I fear I would get triggered back into that if I got too close to the stripping world. And how can I be supportive of strippers if I’m worried about that? I may not like that something I’m so drawn to has emotional connections to a painfully obsessive time in my teens, but it does. I’m not proud of it, and it may embarrass me, but that doesn’t mean it’s not there.
- There is a direct connection between my desire to strip and/or be sexy and how unattractive I was considered to be as a child.
- There is a creepy connection between the sexual abuse in my childhood and my fascination with stripping and sex work. This gives me a tinge of doubt when people insist stripping and sexual abuse are not necessarily correlated. I mean, I know mentally that my experience is not everyone’s. But I still wonder.
- I lose the gray area in sex work. That means that, while I know some people choose to strip, just as some people choose to have sex for pay, I also know a lot of people don’t get to make that choice. Either due to poverty or violence, there are plenty of people in the sex industry who are being assaulted – sexually, emotionally, and physically – as part of their job. The thing is, while I know both situations exist, I tend to pendulum swing from one to the other and have a hard time dealing with the reality that both worlds coexist.
- Sometimes I think sex work is like vegetarianism. What I mean is, vegetarians (and I am one) always make it sound like we’re doing something wholesome and good for the earth. And, theoretically, that may be true. But what’s more true is that having enough fresh vegetables and tofu to eat as much as you like all winter long is a huge privilege and a hallmark of a rich society. The parallel with sex work is that it takes someone from a pretty privileged background to have the choice to do sex work. If you’re doing it because you have no other job skills, it’s not a choice. If you’re doing it because you are being threatened or coerced, it’s not a choice. Doing it by choice means recognizing you have other options, but still opting for sex work. That’s rare, I think. Then again, does one really work mopping the floors at McDonald’s because they have a choice, or is that because they need the money? So, same thing. Reminds me of a humanitarian worker I read years ago who said that, who was he to tell some woman living in poverty in rural Asia that a couple hours of sex work a night wasn’t preferable to 12 hours slaving in a rice paddy? Which is a great way of saying that poverty doesn’t remove all choice. Nor does it automatically render people victims.
- I knew a Venezuelan prostitute once when I lived in the Dominican Republic and she definitely chose to strip, just as she chose to sell sex. She was also incredibly gorgeous, as I think all Venezuelan women just freakishly are, and she taught me a great way to manipulate men to do your bidding. It doesn’t work with men who don’t flirt, though. Used it on a boss of mine once – worked like a charm. He chuckled like a schoolboy and totally got off my case.
- I have a huge fear of chaos. I grew up in a dysfunctional, chaotic home and I spent my early adult years with a group of people from similar backgrounds. It took me years to figure out another way to be – still have to work on it, sometimes. But I found the people I know who did sex work, including stripping, seemed to be living in that chaotic world I have worked so hard to get away from, and it’s caused me to shy away from them.
Contradictory as Hell
Basically, my feelings about stripping are a totally mixed bag.
I like the sexiness; I’m scared of the sexiness. I want to be part of that world and explore that side of myself – yet I have so much baggage associated with it, that I’m scared of where it would take me. And, having stepped a toe into those waters years ago with the phone sex, I have a pretty good idea.
But I don’t think stripping is the only way to explore those feelings. Nor that people who are stripping must necessarily be exploring any deep emotional issue, at all. Or that any of that is relevant, since people are, in the end, just doing their job.
Most of all, I think the crap in my head on this issue would fade instantly – as most of the crap in my head tends to do – when confronted with real people and real situations. Nothing takes away fears of the unknown like making the object of fear familiar. So maybe I should start stripping. Or explore that world more in some way.
I don’t really know.
But, of course, stripping is a business – not some personal therapy session for post-feminist exploration.
I guess I just want to point out that everyone has contradictory feelings about stripping, and I’d like to think that that’s okay.
The Creepy Part
The thing about all this, though, is that the sexuality of stripping and the moralizing (including feminist moralizing) that goes along with it, serve only to cloud the real ugliness of stripping, which is the total abuse of power from the club owners.
The more we waste our time arguing about stripping and its impact on the world, the less we are looking at the usurious management practices of strip club owners, which create a work environment that would be illegal in any other type of employment.
What it all comes down to …
Argue all you want about pole dancing and stripping, but, please, be honest about where you stand. Own your personal contradictions. And, while you’re at it, take a step back from the focus on all the sexuality, from all the good girl/bad girl crap, and take a peek at the management practices of your local strip club.
Whatever your views of stripping – indignant or supportive – that’s the rug we all need to look under.
Your turn: what do you think?
29th March, 2010 - Posted by PoleSkivvies - 19 Comments
Filed under: Jennifer's Rants
Who says pole dancing needs standards?
It’s become such a common statement out there in the pole community, people saying how OF COURSE pole dancing needs standards and agreed-upon names for moves.
But, the thing I keep thinking is … umm, why?
What does it matter?
The only answer I can come up with is, for competitions – so people will understand what’s required. Which makes sense in terms of how many of a certain type of move you need to do, or how long you need to hold a move, or how you need to get into a move. But if you get into a certain move safely and smoothly, does it really matter how you got there? And, as long as the move is described so all understand what is being discussed, does the name really need to be the same one used all over the world?
As far as I can see, the only reason all competitions need to have the same names and the same standards is if people are hoping those competitions will eventually lead to competing in pole dancing in the Olympics.
Aside from that, as long as the rules are explained, what’s the difference? Why should it matter?
Ballet, Belly Dance, and Pole Dancing
Ballet is a perfect example of a dance that does not compete in the Olympics and, as far as I know, only competes at all in the sense that there are very few slots available for all the extremely talented dancers out there. Yet ballet has very strict standards, and all decent ballet studios instill those standards in their students.
So maybe that’s how people are thinking about pole dancing – that, like ballet, all students need to share the same names for moves, in order to communicate with one another.
But that’s not the only way to run a dance style.
Belly dance, to offer a contrast, has existed, in one form or another, for thousands and thousands of years, with dozens of different names per move. Yet that hasn’t held belly dance down one bit.
Sure, belly dancers from different parts of the world, or even different parts of a given country, may have different names for the same move, but they still will recognize in an instant which move is being done. And they will know just as quickly whether they can do it or not. Most importantly, if they have had any competent training at all, they will also be able to tell at a glance the skill level of the person performing it.
Safety and Smooth Execution
Personally, I think the only thing that matters is that a given move be performed safely and smoothly, with a seamless transition into and out of the move. Other than that, I don’t really give a damn.
And maybe that is what the people pushing for standards want. The thing is, I can’t really tell, and the dialogue doesn’t seem to be coming from a wide range of the pole community. It seems to be coming from parts focused on the Olympics. That’s fine, but I think it’s the same issue raised in Yannori’s post on pole dancing in the Olympics, in which she points out the profound absence of commentary from the bulk of pole dancers.
So here’s what I think:
In my opinion, standards should have to do with core strength and posture and proper training. Believe me, most pole dancers find out the hard way if they’ve been getting crappy training – which is to say, they find out because they’ve gotten injured.
To me, that’s the main issue and the main concern.
Which brings up the issue of confidence in whoever sets these standards. Who is setting them and what do we, as a pole dance community, feel about that?
It’s one thing to talk the talk about safety and another to walk the walk. How do we ensure that those speaking for the community, those setting these standards, are actually walking the walk?
Now what do you think?
What do you think pole dancing standards should be? Do you think we need any at all?
Do you really care if all pole dancers use the same name for a given move? Do you see some purpose for it that I’m missing?
And how would you determine who can really walk the walk on training and safety?
I can’t wait to hear your thoughts!
***
By the way, don’t forget to say hi to me at the USPDF next week! I would LOVE to meet you all in person!
8th March, 2010 - Posted by PoleSkivvies - 11 Comments
Filed under: Jennifer's Rants
Time to Take Some Responsibility
Lately, I find I’m hearing a lot about the problems some pole dancers are having with other dancers stealing and copying their work.
Now, if you’ve been reading this blog for awhile, you know that I generally think it is impossible to copy another pole dancer. I strongly believe that, even if two dancers have the same moves and do the same choreography, each dancer will still have their own individual style. (See How to Avoid Being Copied and Pole Dance Attitude Adjustment.)
But now I’m wondering if I’ve missed something.
Where do we draw the line?
Every artistic community has concerns about stealing and copying. Like, where really is the line between homage and theft? What of all you learned from your teacher is acceptable to incorporate into your own approach to instruction? When does having a similar style cross over into copying?
It got me to thinking about a pledge pole dancers should take, one that underscores what we consider to be community-minded in pole dance.
We all have responsibility.
It’s not just advanced dancers and teachers and studio owners who have a responsibility here. Even newbies have a responsibility that needs to be owned up to – a responsibility to insist on good instruction and safe teaching.
I’ve posted warnings time and again for newbie pole dancers, tips on how to tell if their teacher is any good (see How to Teach Pole and Be a Danger to the Public, Top Ten Traits of Pole Dance Instructors, Pole Dance Teachers to Avoid, and How to Find a Pole Dance Instructor).
Call for Community and Integrity
I think it’s time pole dancers took this issue a step further – I think we need to state the expectations and boundaries of our art, which is why I ask you to take this pole dancing oath along with me:
Pole Dance Pledge for Students
I swear to …
- Learn as much as possible about quality pole instruction before I find a teacher – and to hold my instructor to those standards. (Find out what those standards should be here, here, here, and here.)
- Not go beyond my skill level and to follow my teacher’s instructions.
- Acknowledge that pole dancing is complicated – far moreso than a newbie can learn in a year or two, barring an extensive background in gymnastics, aerial arts, ballet, or similar.
- Present myself honestly, not claiming more skill or authority than I have earned.
Pole Dance Pledge for Instructors:
I swear to …
- Get the very best training in anatomy, physical fitness, aerial movement, and pole dancing possible.
- Create my own choreographies and teaching methods.
- Get specific, stated permission and give due credit prior to borrowing dances or teaching methods.
- Acknowledge my skill level and refer students when necessary to studios that can provide more advanced training.
Comment below to take the pledge!
Be sure to write in what you would add or change to the oaths. Feel free to share the pledge with your students, too – let’s all get a conversation going on originality in performance and safety in instruction!
(When you share the pledge, I’d be very happy if you credited PoleSkivvvies.com. 
)
15th February, 2010 - Posted by PoleSkivvies - 3 Comments
Filed under: Jennifer's Rants
This is what happened
Okay, so I launched a new feature last week. A new VIDEO feature.
Did you see the emphasis on the word “video?”
Let’s just say I’m having some struggles coping with this one.
Not like it’s my first video post – I’ve uploaded to Youtube before.
But this time felt different. Probably because I wasn’t doing it as a one-off. I am intending to upload video tutorials twice a month, so I’m not just doing something and letting it fall into the mists of time, the way I used to do.
So what’s the issue?
God, how I hate telling you this.
Why?
Because it’s a body image thing. And I’m supposed to be over that. I’m supposed to be all confident in how I look and never have a weak moment about it.
Yea, right.
But the truth is, looking at myself on video lands me smack-dab in the middle of some horrid, funhouse mirror Land of Terror. I just don’t like the way I look on Youtube. And it’s not Youtube’s fault. No, it’s my lighting. And the angle of my webcam. And the limited ways I can position it.
Or maybe those are just my defenses.
Maybe all that’s just my way of saying, I can’t handle how my body looks on video.
Which is awful to say, because I love the way I look in real life. Yet, when I see these videos, I’m left wondering whether I’m completely deluded in real life. I mean, how dare I go through life thinking I’m some hot, sexy thing, when, apparently, in REAL reality, I look like a damn tree trunk.
Because I cannot believe how I look on video.
It’s like I’m a goddamn linebacker with no ass and a bulbous middle.
And what’s really weird is, I actually love my stomach in real life. I flash her at my man all the time, because we are both in agreement that she’s so rockin’ hot.
Moreover, I will go on record right here and now to say my ass is AWESOME. Just truly awesome. Not bodacious, not “baby got back” awesome. But tiny, amazing-detail-for-a-miniature awesome.
But all that disappears on video. What is left is my thick-waisted, hipless body. Worse, my video is taken from an angle that looks slightly down (which I have GOT to fix), so that I only look bigger on top and smaller on the bottom.
Honestly, I have curves. Really, I do. I’m a girl, goddamnit. It’s just, I’m not an especially curvy girl. I am very … well, I am very thick. I just am. I don’t indent in my waist much at all, and I’m so short-waisted that it’s like everything was just built on the same spot with no definition visible at all.
Granted, I could just accept that the videos are showing how I look in real life – just suck it up and deal with it. But I honestly think that, while not Marilyn Monroe (except in my heart), I am curvier and less bulbous-looking than they make me seem.
So, yes, I will play with the lighting and angles. And maybe I’ll play with my clothing a bit. It’s just I hate to have to cover up when I’m so pleased with my tummy in real life.
So, maybe I’m in denial. Maybe I really am a slab of lumber with the soul of a bawdy cabaret dancer.
My pledge
But one thing I won’t do is stop videoing. At least, not because of this. I mean, I would if I felt I had nothing to share. Or if what I were sharing didn’t seem useful to anyone. But I won’t stop videoing just because I look like an orb on a two-by-four.
I will remember that my personality and sparkle and innate charm (not to mention endless talent for self-flattery), are what make me sexy in real life. That those are the things that lure people to take a second glance and see that maybe – just maybe – I’m not so globular, after all.
What I won’t do, is give up my belief that I am beautiful, even if that belief has to take a few blows.
Feeling ugly is just too exhausting.
Most of all, I’m going to believe that, since all my pole buddies are beautiful, maybe – just maybe – I am, too.
Tell me, my lovely and fabulous pole buddies, how do you handle seeing yourself on video? Is it easy? Is it hard? Has your perspective on it changed? Do tell!
***
Looking for an old blog post? Or something on your favorite topic? Find old posts by category in the “Best of” links in the lower right sidebar. Or just type what you’re looking for in the Search, then scroll down until you find exactly what you want!
11th January, 2010 - Posted by PoleSkivvies - 12 Comments
Filed under: Jennifer's Rants
The Copycat Syndrome
I hear pole dancers whining about copycats in the weirdest ways. Not even about just moves, but also about being copied because someone else has a website or a forum.
I’ve got a problem with this. You first heard me rant about it here, but today I wanted to go a bit deeper. I wanted to find the answer to the one burning question underlying this fear:
What do you do to avoid being copied?
Learning new moves won’t help; any dancer can learn those same moves. Even learning some amazing new sequence won’t do it – someone else can still figure all of those out.
You can’t teach unique exercises to keep from being copied – you only wind up teaching them to a bunch of students who immediately go and use them. Nor can you create some extra special website for pole dancers – because anybody can slap up a new website in a matter of minutes.
No, you need something stronger to counteract copycats. You need something with staying power. What you need is …
A Personal Signature
Pole dancers need to develop their own style, their own approach to pole dancing. Because …
The best way to protect yourself from copycats, is to make yourself impossible to copy.
And that includes all aspects of the pole dance community. Many of us started out as the only pole dancer in our area. We were the only one teaching pole. We were the only photographer focused on pole dancing, or the only one with a forum for pole dancers – hell, the only blogger on pole dance.
But the world of pole dance is expanding too rapidly for that to continue. There will be competition – for your studio, for your performance, for your website.
To complain that it’s just copying is to miss the point.
You are not being copied. You are getting competition.
And what’s the best way to deal with that?
Be yourself.
Teach with a style that is uniquely your own.
Take photos with a passion that no one can touch.
Infuse your site with your own individual attitude.
Will you still have competition? Of course.
Will you still have to keep stretching yourself to keep up with the curve? Absolutely.
But will they be able to duplicate what you do?
Not a chance.
***
Need some help learning to bring out your own personal style? Check out these FREE e-classes (including a new one on pole dance routines). And, if you want something more specific to your situation, check out my private coaching.
***
Looking for an old blog post? Or something on your favorite topic? Find old posts by category in the “Best of” links in the lower right sidebar. Or just type what you’re looking for in the Search, then scroll down until you find exactly what you want!
4th January, 2010 - Posted by PoleSkivvies - 2 Comments
Filed under: Jennifer's Rants
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