Once, when I was nineteen, I got a little bored with my desk job. While some people might seek to remedy that by taking up a hobby, I preferred to get a weekend job doing phone sex. It was a fascinating place to work and I’m happy to share with you what I learned there.

So, without further ado, here are the Five Fundamentals of Good Phone Sex – and the mysterious lessons they hold for pole dancing.

1. They are paying by the minute.

In phone sex, you’ve got a slightly oppositional situation on your hands: he’s trying to save money by racing to the finish line; you’re trying to make money by keeping him going as long as possible. So, how do you deal with that? In truth, you don’t need to, because the only thing that matters is that the client leaves feeling he got his money’s worth.

And that’s the part that applies to pole dancing: you’ve got to give the audience their money’s worth. That means dancing with all your heart, throwing yourself into it, and really putting on a show. Give ‘em all you’ve got, and leave ‘em with a smile, baby.

2. The second they come, they hang up.

One of the funniest things I remember on the gay line, was a bunch of huffing and puffing guys lighting up the switchboard in one huge, telephonic circle jerk. Puffing and moaning until the big finish, when click, click, click, one after another after another, they all hung up. After all, no use sticking around once the show’s over.

In pole dancing, this translates to holding their interest until the very end. They finish only when you let them finish. Until then, keep stringing them along. You do this with good choreography, a flirtatious bit of tease, and some gorgeous moves on the pole.

3. Tie ‘em up and suck ‘em off.

That was my standard storyline – endlessly adaptable and universally desirable. Even if they insist otherwise. (And maybe especially if they insist otherwise.)

Needless to say, this doesn’t mean I think you should begin every pole dance with a whip and end on your knees. Rather, I’m pointing out the inherent desirability of simplicity. You don’t need to worry if you can’t do twenty different inverts, or even if you can’t do a single one. It doesn’t matter. A couple of pretty spins, some elegant transitions, superb audience rapport, and you will have a resounding success on your hands. Luckily, as in phone sex, this won’t be messy.

4. They need to believe you’re into it.

In phone sex, this means you spend a ridiculous amount of time fake moaning and insisting you’re “doing it, too. Mmmm … oh, yeah, more ….”

With pole dancing, it means you really have to engage with the music and the audience. You are their connection to both the music and the movement. If you get into it, it gives them permission to look at you and enjoy. If they can tell you’re uncomfortable or nervous, they lose interest and may even feel they shouldn’t be watching you. That means, at best, they start talking to their friends, and, at worst, it means they walk out. So let the music flow into you, until you naturally begin to move with it. Let it inspire you, and let yourself inspire your audience.

5. Whatever you do, don’t fall asleep during a call.

I actually got laid off (no pun intended) from the phone sex job for doing this. You cannot imagine how boring those calls can get. Really, you can only listen to the same thing so many times before you find yourself dozing off.

In pole dancing, obviously you’re not going to fall asleep in the middle of your performance. And, god willing, your audience won’t fall asleep in the middle of it, either. But if you lose focus or go on auto-pilot, you ruin the show. Remember the previous point: they have to believe you’re into it. Not falling asleep means you stay into it until the very end. It means you don’t disconnect because you get offbeat or because there’s a problem with your costume. Once you’re performing, you are giving a show, and you keep giving the show – no matter the obstacles – until you take a bow and the audience applauds.

Which they will.