Trimming the Hedge
Fair Warning
This post is not for the squeamish. This is one of those posts where the weird things that circle around in my brain actually make their way to paper.
You see, I’ve been looking at a lot of pole dancers and I’ve been noticing things. I’ve been noticing that the really, really good pole dancers all perform in tiny little thongs. Little, little thongs. And I notice that they are as smooth as a Barbie doll behind those thongs, with nary a wisp escaping.
Nary a Wisp
That’s right, class, today’s topic is that most notorious of personal grooming escapades: the coiffing of the pube.
Full disclosure: You can see from my pole dance shorts page that I think a girl’s bikini wax situation is private. There is a reason for this: I hate having to deal with this particular brand of maintenance. And I feel absolutely sure that, if I’m just working out, I shouldn’t have to.
But I can see how, if I ever wanted to compete or dance at an event, I would probably want to give a little more thought to the issue.
Which I have done from time to time. After all, I love lingerie (I used to design lingerie), and I love burlesque. These are all sexy things that require sexy outfits, and a little weed-whacking in these years of the fashionable landing-strip occasionally seems reasonable.
The Implements of Torture
Oh, I’ve tried things. Various things. Different things.
Things that don’t work.
Things like shaving. I’ve tried brand new razors, moisturizing before, moisturizing after. I’ve tried numbing agents and a layer of antiperspirant (tip from the iridescent Michelle L’Amour and her lovely blog). I’ve tried rubbing alcohol and going with the grain. None of it works. All of it leaves red bumps. All of it causes itching.
The worst of which is not directly afterwards. No, that comes after you’ve put on your undies and walked around a bit and the elastic starts irritating your sensitive, newly kempt skin.
I think the only way shaving could ever work is if you spent the following twelve hours lying stark naked on your back with your legs in a wide V. But whenever I try to do that, Dennis gets overheated and I never manage to maintain that frictionless state long enough to let my bits recover.
Then there are depilatory creams. I tried this. Once. Well, almost once. Okay, I just bought the cream and never used it. How could I? I used to use that stuff on my upper lip and can still remember the burning. Why did I, even for one second, think I would ever want to risk putting that stuff near my favorite girlie bits?
Which left only one thing – the most dreaded, most feared, most unlikely that I would ever be able to do: waxing.
I’ve tried waxing strips at home, just on the outskirts of my … ahem … village. But I was too much of a wuss to do anything dramatic. And I am not possessed of the inner strength needed to go to some stranger in a salon, spread my legs wide as a drunken invite to a ship full of sailors, and let ‘er rip. Literally. I’m sorry, I can’t do it. I just can’t. It flips me out every time I think of it – and it’s not the pain. (Well, yes, okay, it’s a lot to do with the pain.) It’s just having some stranger covered with wax going in for the full monty like that. I can’t handle it.
Plus, it’s just so aggressive. I mean, these are tender areas. They should not be subjected to a massive onslaught of deforestation.
Besides, you have to wait for too much re-growth before you can go back. And is there anything more unpleasant there than stubble?
Brace For It …
Oh, yes. There is.
Gray hair.
Yes, you heard me. I went there.
I’m old, people. Deal with it. (I’m trying to.) Thanks to that one, blessed episode in Sex and the City, I can admit to this.
Still, it’s just so freakish and bizarre. Why, why, why does this have to happen? Isn’t it enough that my eyes are crinkling up and my dark brown head of hair keeps coming in silver?
There’s only one reasoned response – scissors. I figure, if I just keep removing the offending bits, they’ll learn their lesson and not return.
Not that that works, but it gets me through.
I don’t like to live in denial, but, occasionally, it makes a splendid home.
Which is all my way of saying, what do you use? And, while we’re at it, what are your pube-coiffing horror stories?
[...] one where Samantha slept with that guy from her gym and he shaved her lady bits into a lightning [...]
I’m a bit late to this one, but stumbled across it as one of your most popular! LOL
I mostly use an electric razor/trimmer. Takes 30 seconds maybe 3 times a week to keep everything under control for pole classes.
For special occasions I use a SEIKO CLEANCUT with baby powder. It’s a dry shave, rotary, battery operated. I sometimes have to “roll” the skin between my fingers to get the hairs to stand up, but I’m left super-duper smooth. You CANNOT cut yourself either!
I started with waxing.It gave me endless ingrowns and no matter how good the waxer thought she was (I tried several) I would always walk out with bruises and bleeding.
I gave laser a shot. I was told I was perfect for it as I was pale and never tanned and had dark hair there. Full amount of treatments with the shaving in between (as ordered). Loved it while I was getting it. Smooth and it made shaving so much easier. However, once I stopped it all grew back.
Now I just shave. My lower legs (never above my knees – those hairs are blonde), underarms and brazilian area. I use men’s disposable BIC razors (I tried many brands and makes) that don’t have those stupid moisturising strips which drag and mess up my skin. I use shaving cream on my legs but shave my underarms and brazilian area DRY pulling the skin tight and then have a shower right after.
I avoid moisturiser, that only tends to accentuate shaving rash and I avoid sweating and lacey undies right after a shave.
get laser. it hurts like 10000 times less than waxing, especially on your lower regions. its a tiny bit puffy after, and feels a little hot but they give you this laser cream that soothes and cools the skin. and its permanent! ive only had 4 sessions, but nothing grows back, and its awesome – you never ever have to worry about “oh crap, forgot to shave today”
I’m still afraid to wax my bikini. I JUST started waxing my lower legs and going to try and do my underarms in a few weeks.
this Braun Epil is interesting though.
Wow MJ what a great idea and I feel like a total idiot!!! Why didn’t I think of that before I spent 3 days broken out in a sweat ripping all my hairs out?!?!?! It’s too late to save my dumb ass but hopefully your comment will reach others before they make the mistake I did.
Thanks!
What can really work is getting a wax (really not that bad – if you have had a cervical smear – which ladies you all should do no matter how young you are because its a cancer than can hit at any age – its pretty darn trivial). So you’ve had your wax. Then use your epi to stop it growing back without the in-between growth. As the hair grows at different rates its a five minute job and isn’t as painful as another wax or a full first time no trim epilation! Its just like plucking your eyebrows
Ok, I’m sure you’re dying to know so here’s the scoop on the Epil…
The terrific news is that after tackling that region, the legs now just seem like a minor inconvenience. In fact I finished up the lower legs this morning and am about to work on the thighs now. The final pikachu plucking will be tonight if I haven’t gone through all the local blood bank supply of O- by then. I truly do love the silky smooth feel and I believe I might actually be one of the few women who buy this product and actually USE it. BTW, don’t even bother thinking this might be helpful for a man….I tried it on the back of my husbands neck (because he resembles something like a bear only 4 days after a haircut) and he squealed like a girl and went running out of the room after the first attempt. Apparently only a woman is strong enough to handle this puppy.;-))
There is no doubt that this is going to be a classic example of a Love/Hate relationship. I LOVE the smoothness and not having to shave everyday but of course I HATE the day of torture to get there. And actually, in the beginning it is more than 1 day to get the smoothness I want. So here is where my hair situation stands as of right now~~Saturday night I drank about 5 mango mojitos, applied a prescription strength numbing cream, then sat in the hot tub for 10 minutes before getting started on the “northern territory”. I have no way of knowing how much or little all this preparation helped or didn’t help, I just know that after the first full minute I was asking my husband if we could rig up a home epidural device somehow. But the dream of a silky smooth pikachu and no razors kept me going… The result was that I used up the entire battery charge (45 minutes) and have a very soft “top half” and a half way smooth “inner parts”. I was exhausted and had a slight headache but I think that was mostly because I couldn’t figure out a way to pluck the chicken and guzzle my drink at the same time so my buzz (no pun) was slipping.
I love your emails and website and because of your blog topic the other day about the “trimming the hedge issue” I have bought a Braun Silk Epil and used it for the first time last night. I have always been an every day shaver because I like things nice and smooth and would never be able to tolerate the growth time required for waxing. But I’m 44 now and really tired of spending 30 minutes of every day of my life shaving! So after reading your blog and the comments posted by all the nice ladies I decided to give the Epil a try. I have done the lower parts of both my legs without much damage, although I have to admit it was pretty intense at first. I didn’t have the nerve to move to the “northern regions” just yet…I decided I didn’t have enough vodka in the house for that job. But tonight is the night. I’m having a mango mojito right now and plan about an hour soak in the hot tub. After that…let the ripping begin!!! I’ll get back to you on the outcome. If I’m not in the emergency room. 8-))
Good lord. This is so complicated. I waxed once and ended up with crazy red bumps. It was hideous. Maybe I’ll try the Epil thing, but that loose skin story is a killer!
I am extremely shy and not very comfortable with my body and just like yourself, was mortified but the thought of someone touching and placing hot wax on my girlie parts. Unfortunately I am cursed with hair in more places then I am proud to admit like but buttocks….My skin is extremely sensitive and cannot take shaving or creams. My only solution I am forced to face with is waxing. The first time I had it done it hurt like hell. But after the second and third time it gets ALOT better. Also I you have a good salon they can use waxes to match your skin type especially if you are like me and are very sensitive. The secret is to keep it maintained and the hair will grow back slower and thinner and it will hurt less and less.
As a cosmetologist and someone who has been getting bikini waxes since I was 16, let me be the first to tell you that there are lots of ways to prevent pain in waxing. If you’re at a reputable salon, your waxing lady will select the perfect wax for your skin and hair, as well as she can prepare the area with a mild numbing agent. Done correctly a bikini wax isn’t painful and if you maintain them they will hurt less and less each time. (Remember the first time you got your eyebrows done and it killed and now you barely notice). Also, be sure to ask your lady what style your looking for from a basic bikini, to brazilian to the risque sphinx if you’re bold. As for us that perform waxing, you have nothing to be worried about, we’ve seen it all. Literally.
Try Couchy shave creme made by the slumber parties people. I tried it for the first time and loved it!!! No red bumps after you shave it is smooth as a babies butt!! I do want to try a wax sometime but am still working up to it…
I have friends who’ve had their Brazilian bikini areas treated with laser hair removal and really liked the results. But beware: not everyone is a good candidate for laser hair removal. It works best on people with lighter skin and darker hair. Some of the more reputable laser clinics will advise you of this, but others will take your money, even if they know you are not a good candidate. I am a redhead with fair skin and freckles, and all of my body hair is either strawberry blonde or blonde. I failed to do my research in advance, and believed the clinic technician when she said they could treat all hair and skin types…mainly because I wanted so badly just to be rid of my unwanted hair. Well, they took my money, and I endured well over a dozen treatments (with the machine turned on “high”), and have virtually NO results to show for it. My battle with the clinic is for another day/another website, but I just wanted to warn others: BUYER BEWARE. Do your research before you lay out your cash! Laser does NOT work for everybody.
I used to get routine Brazilian bikini waxes until eventually, I developed folliculitis (apparently, it’s quite common when you wax the bikini area repeatedly). I asked my dermatologist what she recommended because the unsightly, disgusting bumps looked like some sort of STD and she suggested laser hair removal. I always thought about laser hair removal, but wrote it off because of the expense … then I actually did the math and realized that the laser hair removal would save me money in the long run. So, I went for it – full Brazilian & underarms. I consulted 3-4 different places in my area and, at the time, Reveal MedSpa had the best deal. I would suggest going somewhere where they have medical professionals on staff, as they can write you an Rx for numbing cream, which makes the laser procedure much more bearable. I’ve just finished my final of 6 treatments and have no regrets thus far.
I must admit, I was put off the whole waxing thing by this post
http://www.heartlessbitches.com/morrigan/nb_may_12_2009.shtml
I used to leave the whole area bald, but have been shaving for the last year. At first, it was awful with red blotches and the occassional moment of inattention leading to some rather unfortunate nicks. At least I learned to pay attention pretty quickly. ~grins~ More recently, though, I’ve found I get little to no shaving rash and it’s all fairly straightforward. I do agree with the antipersperant advice, though. That made a big difference at the start.
I always hated taking care of that particular area myself. I like to be bald as an eagle (from rooter to tooter)and watching me maneuver around in the shower with one foot propped up on the wall and me bent over trying to find and destroy every hidden hair I could find with the razor was quite the funny site I’m sure, and a giant pain in my ass. Hair Removal creams never worked there for me so that left one other option. On my 30th birthday I treated myself to a massage at a local spa and they also did body waxing there. I decided since I was there, why not give it a go. The lady that did my first waxing was a big burly rough handed German lady, and she didn’t go easy on me.But still…it wasn’t so bad. Some parts were more painful then others but I got through it ok and I loved the results. I’ve been waxing ever since and I love it. I actually have a close friend that does “sugaring” (body waxing with this goop made out of sugar and lemon juice or something like that) and I’ve been having her “tame the beast’ for the last year. It hurts a lot less and I get to catch up with my buddy while she tends the nether regions. I use topical numbing cream now too, it helps take the edge off.
I work as a nurse in a dermatology clinic and we do laser hair removal here (I get laser treatment for hair removal in other places and I love that too) but I’ve never considered it for my lady bits…
I started bikini waxing when I was like sixteen and went to brazilians around the time I was 24. I have really sensitive skin so my girl always uses the more gentle wax on me ( I think pink instead of blue). If I ever try to shave I get horrible razorburns. I think having a good person is really key, I know I’ve referred tons of my friends toy girl and they all like her once they got past the first time shock.
I’m totally there with you, Jennifer! I constantly struggle with how much time/effort I should put into that particular grooming ritual.
OMG, girl. Thank god you’re okay! Ouch, ouch, OUCH.
I recommend the Braun Silk Epil. I dont’ have the new wet/dry model but I have the most recent one before that with the little headlight (which really helps spotting the areas in shadow) and I wore out one of the first models that I got years ago before that.
I think it works really well and gets out the tiniest hairs. I never liked waxing because you have to let a certain amount grow back before your next wax.
With the epil you can do it whenever you see new hairs growing in and if you keep up with it, it only takes a couple of minutes to do that. If the hair is long enough to see, it’s long enough to come out so you are virtually free of visible hair at all times.
The only problem, for me anyway, is that I cannot use it on the labia…but then I cannot wax there either. For some reason I’m very sensitive there and bleed with both waxing and epilating there so I must shave that area.
Horror story: Warning…this is not for the squeamish so don’t read if you can’t handle it.
I’ve learned to block the labial area with my other hand as I get close to it when epilating up the crease at the upper inside of the thigh. I got too close to the labia once and since that area is soft and “loose” (sorry…best way to explain it) the rollers in the epil actually got caught in the soft skin…somewhat akin to a “zipper accident” in a guy but this time it was my labia caught in the epil!!! I had to turn it off and “unroll” the epil head to disentangle myself!!! THEN I exhaled and screamed!!!
Just a note for those considering laser hair removal. I tried that too. Unfortunately, no one told me that if you’re on hormone replacement therapy (I had a hysterectomy when I was 35) that it doesn’t remove your hair permanently. And in my case, it actually caused more hair growth!! After going for treatments every six weeks for 2 yrs, I was asked if I was on HRT and was told that was the reason for hair growth and laser hair removal is not recommended. I didn’t get my money back either!!
I love this topic! i don’t have any horror stories, but here’s what i’ve been doing. I’ve been waxing for 14 years. at first i was getting it done professionally, then i started doing the whole thing myself, with professional hot wax (not the ready strips).
About having to wait for regrowth before waxing again- i personally would shave a couple times between monthly waxes, and then start letting it grow out right before my monthly visitor (since it’s in hideout anyway at that time
). By the time visitor is gone, ready to wax again!
Last month however i decided to start laser treatment for hair removal down there & i absolutely love it! Smooth as a baby’s butt, no ingrowns or bumps, and hair takes forever to grow back! plus one day it’ll be permanently gone!
Wow, those are some real pube-coiffing horror stories, indeed. I am amazed you risked a Brazilian after all that!
It seems you have made up your mind not to go there – BUT – I just wanted to offer an anecdote just in case.
I was terrified of waxing. Once, when I was 16, I let my sister use home wax strips on my legs and we got about 2 strips in before I ran off screaming and crying and locked myself in the bathroom. I tried to shower the goop off but it wasn’t going anywhere! THEN to make matters worse I had a driving lesson so I ended up wrapping my leg in baking paper, so I would’t stick to my jeans! LOL!
The next time (years later, of course) I tried waxing – it just didn’t work and we went over the same spot 2 or 3 times, and basically we ripped up skin and I had a red raw patch for weeks.
Obviously, none of this is intended to encourage you to wax. HAHAHA! But wait… there’s more!
I have a list of “things to do before I die”. It includes things like learn bass guitar, learn spanish, have a baby, make my own jam, ride an elephant, eat caviar etc.
It also says “get a brazillian wax”.
Why? Well – because I like to challenge myself, to try new things and I suppose I would feel like I achieved something I managed to get through one.
SOO – I did. I booked a wax. My sister and I went. I was terrified.
It wasn’t that bad.
Yes, my body practically buckled when she ripped the hot wax from me. Yes, I was tense and scared the whole time. Yes, it FUCKING HURT! Buuut – it was nowhere near as bad as my home attempts.
And now I get it done every month and they get a lot easier. Trust me.
I meant to say that the Silk Epil was less messy than waxing (not shaving).
I have been waxing for years…starting at the ‘outskirts of my village’ and moving a little closer each time until I had a little landing strip. Recently, I read a post on Studio Veena on this topic and one of the women suggested the Braun Silk Epil. I bought the Silk Epil Xpressive which can be used wet or dry. The jury is still out on it though. Some of my hair seems to be coming back quicker, so I think it may be breaking or cutting some of it instead of pulling it out. It’s definitely less messy than shaving and whole lot easier. So far, no ingrown hairs or razor burn either.
I caved in a couple of months ago and went for waxing. I was told off for shaving my legs when I was younger and made to have waxing done instead – one of the best things my mother insisted on (I hate shaving anything now – the regrowth is terrible!). I’m used to waxing – I do my legs, arms and underarms myself, but couldn’t ever get the courage to do the full job!
It was much less painful than I imagined and I actually quite like the result.