Pole Dancing and Parenting

I have a stepdaughter.

She is very cool – lively and fun and thinking interesting things and always racing around.

And she loves to pole.

In fact, all her friends love to pole. After all, how many other families have a pole in the house? It’s like having your very own private, indoor jungle gym.

They make games out of it, jumping around the pole and leaping onto the furniture, racing around with the dog, climbing and hanging and just totally having fun.

But it makes me wonder.

How do I keep her and her friends safe when they play on the pole?

So far, this has been easy. Neither my stepdaughter nor any of her friends is really using the pole. They just jump around and play, so my main focus has been to show her how to use the level and check if the pole is in the right position, to say no one climbs the pole without an adult around, and to set the ground rule that you can’t use any lotion if you are going to play on the pole.

This has worked out pretty well. One, because my pole doesn’t get moved around, so it’s always up and has never budged, so I’m not too worried about it, anyway. Plus, she likes knowing how to use the level and squirt the pole with alcohol to keep it clean. And I love how she, with great authority, will quiz her friends before going downstairs to play by asking, “Have you used any lotion today?”

Actually, we have to watch that last one a bit – she’s great about asking, but is very friendly and generous by nature and will always decide that a friend who really wants to pole has certainly waited long enough since putting on any lotion – even if it’s only been 15 minutes. I’ve had to put the nix on things at times, but I figure it’s important.

And it makes me smile how she will tell me sometimes that she really wanted to put lotion on (and, believe me, especially in the winter in Vermont, that’s a very strong desire), but she didn’t because she really wanted to pole later on!

At what point do I step in and really teach her about proper shoulder position in pole dancing?

This one makes me nervous. I think some kids are very inclined to dance and gymnastics and they take quite readily to the rules of how you hold your body. My kid, on the other hand, is more free-form. She likes to play and doesn’t want any structure about how to move.

I figure that’s fine, since she mainly uses the pole to hold onto as she leaps and plays on the floor. But, now that she’s getting a little bigger, I find she’s starting to do some spins on her own, and I worry about her shoulders.

I honestly don’t think she’s in any more jeopardy playing as she does on the pole than she is hanging off the monkey bars at school, but I am very aware of the tendonitis twinges in my own shoulders and feel I should tell her about proper core position. At least, what I understand of it.

So I talk to her about pulling her shoulders down and holding her ab muscles strong. And I tell her why that’s important. I hope it sinks in, even if she isn’t able to apply it at this age.

I also remind myself that I played around exactly the same way when I was a kid and never got hurt. And that maybe being in my 40s has something to do with my shoulders aching.

Do I teach her specific pole dance moves or let her just play around?

This one was pretty easy in our house, because my little girl does not like to be hemmed in. She must be artistically free and, as such, does not want to learn any way of doing anything that is not her own way.

So, she just plays around and makes up stuff on her own. I’ve tried now and again to teach her easier ways to do things, but she’s not interested in studying pole – she just wants to be left alone to play.

Lately, though, she’s been asking how I do specific things, and I’ve started explaining and showing her, starting with the simple moves and basics, and emphasizing the posture lessons and exercises I’m learning myself. It’s weird, though, because I’m not a pole instructor, and I would never agree to teach pole to anyone, yet I feel I have to teach her something. Not that she really wants to use it at this stage, but she is asking.

Perhaps one day she’ll really get into pole and need lessons of her own (god willing, lessons in Vermont will exist by then), but for now I think she just needs someone to show off to and play with, and to help teach her enough that she knows there’s more to learn, if and when she ever wants it.

What kinds of issues will this bring up as she gets older?

This is a weird one. I mean, right now, nobody’s parents have seemed concerned about the pole, and none of the kids has any associations with the pole other than using it as playground equipment. But one day, she is bound to hear something about strippers.

My plan is to be very straightforward – yes, pole dancing’s origins are a bit risque, but it is now also used for a range of dancing and exercise. I will tell her that dancing is an art that has, historically, frequently been scorned by people as inappropriate, only to be embraced several years later as mainstream fun. I will talk to her of the history of tango and belly dance, and teach her that some people have always come down hard on any physical expression of music and feeling, and how they are not the people to listen to.

I am lucky that both her dad and her mom are supportive of me pole dancing – and, more than that, encourage me teaching it to our little girl. For those whose families are judgmental, this would be much harder to deal with. I mean, at least I know that everyone in her immediate world has the same view on pole and will help support her.

And I suppose there’s always the possibility that, in some dark day of adolescence, she may no longer play on the pole and may, in fact, be mortified that I pole. Then I can only hope we can talk it out the way we do everything else. And being the stepmom may even wind up working in my favor, as sometimes it’s less embarrassing what steps do, as long as your real parents aren’t the ones doing it.

How can I use this as a jumping-off point into conversations about women and sexuality and personal choice and abuse of power, and a thousand other things that pole relates to?

For me, life is all about the interconnection of things, and pole is just a microcosm of that. Anything that centers on women will always relate back to issues of sexuality and dynamics of personal power and social mores, and also into the darker side of life, where abuse of power and violence come into the picture.

I actually look forward to those conversations as she grows up. They are exactly the issues I think people need to pay attention to, and especially that young women need to understand. And I think having someone to talk to about it can help a young person find the vocabulary with which to respond to people who make snarky comments.

And I hope it teaches her to look deeper into social issues and see what’s really going on, and to learn from the individuals themselves, rather than the stereotypes that surround them.

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