My Secret Thoughts About Stripping
The day I opened my mouth
Way back when I first started this blog, I did a post on strippers and pole dancing. This came about because I was getting really ticked off at pole dancers doing the “I’m no stripper” thing, when their very own teachers had learned how to pole from working as a stripper.
The response to that post has been incredible – I still get emails about it and comments on it. Which is kind of what prompted me to write this post.
You see, one commenter early on in the thread wrote to explain how she had difficulties with strippers and, while she didn’t judge them, she didn’t want to be mistaken for one, either. Well, just recently, she added a follow-up comment (since deleted, upon her request) to the thread, trying to explain her viewpoint even more.
The thing is, I suspect it would have only served to fan the flames. Because there is something underlying this issue that no one likes to talk about.
The thing no one wants to admit about stripping
No one wants to admit their own discomfort with stripping. And, yes, I mean NO ONE. Not even the people who are convinced it’s a sinful, devil-inspired evil.
The fact is, no matter what side of the political/social spectrum you’re on, you’re screwed if you admit you’re uncomfortable with your feelings about stripping.
Let me explain.
If you’re really religious – and, since I’m not, I freely admit, this is just my take take on what I’ve seen – you’re supposed to be one hundred percent against stripping. If you have any feelings of desire to be desired like that, or to move like that, you have to guard them. Keep them secret. Alter them so that, when they pop out of your mouth, they sound the way your listener thinks they should. Because god forbid you say the wrong thing and get labeled a whore, too.
If religion isn’t your thing, then you might find you’re being screwed by your own feminist beliefs. And by your surprisingly and caustically unsupportive feminist friends. Because, you see, you’re supposed to be pro-woman. And that means you can’t like women selling themselves in any sexual way. Because that’s wrong. And it’s exploitive. Always. Yes, always. Always, always, always. And you’re supporting trafficking if you like to watch strippers. And you’re supporting the breakdown of any real possiibility of male-female connection if you don’t mind your fella getting lapdances. (If you’re lesbian, you may be excused – lesbian lapdances are a statement of feminist empowerment. Heterosexual ladies, feel free to consider yourself fucked in this case. However, it’s rare we have to take it on the chin, as opposed to our lesbian sisters, so just suck it up.)
And, if you’re one of those types who is pro-woman but trying to be supportive of stripping, then you’re screwed, too, because you were raised the same way as everybody else, and deep down, you still have issues with how stripping is perceived. This comes across as pseudo-supportive, post-feminist commentary if you don’t strip and as defensive rhetoric if you do, and often a lovely combination of both.
Which is to say, we’re all fucked.
I just don’t believe anybody feels that comfortable with stripping. It’s way, way, way too loaded a topic. Even when someone is upfront that they strip, there’s so much careful editing going on, or careful selection of the audience, that I just don’t think anybody actually feels fully at ease with it. Maybe the “not at ease” feeling comes from other people’s baggage, but that’s still what we have to deal with, so the end result is the same . It’s a tricky subject.
My thoughts on stripping
Let me just start this section off by saying – yet again – feel free to unsubscribe.
Even as I write this, I am picturing all the different people I’m about to offend. So be it. I don’t want to be in the position of leading a dialogue on this topic and not have my own personal mixed brew of feelings owned up to. I know that everyone will interpret what I write here as they see fit, but that’s true of any post.
And, for the record, I’m not saying this because I think I’m right; I’m saying this because these are the thoughts in my head and they are honest, and if I can’t be honest on my own blog (which is a whole fucking post in and of itself), then this is really a ridiculous thing I’m doing.
Feel free to bow out now.
- I like really hot, sensual movement. I do not find that super-sexualized dancing necessarily achieves that. But, neither am I saying that it never can.
- I have only been to a strip club once. It was fun. The dancers were lovely and talented, and seemed really, really nice.
- I chickened out of getting a lap dance. Long before getting into pole, I had forbidden my man to ever get a lap dance while we were dating. As my views broadened thanks to pole, I found I really wanted a lap dance, myself (pre-chickening out), and I decided I couldn’t forbid him to get one. We made plans to go to a strip club together, but never went. He knew – I was in denial – that I’d freak out if I saw him enjoying a lap dance, which would mean he’d be sitting there scared to death. And I’d be just as much a wreck, from being totally insecure. I mean, I know I’m hot, but it’s not like I know that every single minute. And not reliably at all when my man is getting ridden by another woman – I’d be needing reassurances that I was attractive all night. Sad, but true. We decided that my trips to strip clubs should only be with the girls, and his should only be with his buddies.
- I always wanted to be a prostitute, but never had the guts.
- I think stripping takes guts. And, yes, I see that there is a difference between stripping and prostitution.
- I feel defensive of strippers when people start putting them down, or putting pole dancing down for being connected to stripping.
- I feel weirdly hip and cool by taking the position of being pro-stripper in the pole dance community, which makes me then think I’m a total sell-out and fake.
- I feel a bit like I’m playing a role when I talk about stripping, because I have such a suburban background and feel so uncool.
- I would love to strip on stage. I am toying with doing burlesque. Not sure if I could handle an amateur night at a strip club.
- I wonder if I would freak out if I did strip on stage. I know I would freak out less doing burlesque than an amateur night.
- I think I would hate having to grind on strange men for pay, but I fantasize about it a lot. Not sure how I’d feel if I stripped but didn’t do lap dances. Of course, doing phone sex burned me out in three months, so the odds are I wouldn’t last long.
- When I was a teenager, I had a bad obsessive-compulsive disorder that led to YEARS of handwashing and showering. It was connected to feelings of sexuality – mainly, those being dumped on me by the adults around me – and I fear I would get triggered back into that if I got too close to the stripping world. And how can I be supportive of strippers if I’m worried about that? I may not like that something I’m so drawn to has emotional connections to a painfully obsessive time in my teens, but it does. I’m not proud of it, and it may embarrass me, but that doesn’t mean it’s not there.
- There is a direct connection between my desire to strip and/or be sexy and how unattractive I was considered to be as a child.
- There is a creepy connection between the sexual abuse in my childhood and my fascination with stripping and sex work. This gives me a tinge of doubt when people insist stripping and sexual abuse are not necessarily correlated. I mean, I know mentally that my experience is not everyone’s. But I still wonder.
- I lose the gray area in sex work. That means that, while I know some people choose to strip, just as some people choose to have sex for pay, I also know a lot of people don’t get to make that choice. Either due to poverty or violence, there are plenty of people in the sex industry who are being assaulted – sexually, emotionally, and physically – as part of their job. The thing is, while I know both situations exist, I tend to pendulum swing from one to the other and have a hard time dealing with the reality that both worlds coexist.
- Sometimes I think sex work is like vegetarianism. What I mean is, vegetarians (and I am one) always make it sound like we’re doing something wholesome and good for the earth. And, theoretically, that may be true. But what’s more true is that having enough fresh vegetables and tofu to eat as much as you like all winter long is a huge privilege and a hallmark of a rich society. The parallel with sex work is that it takes someone from a pretty privileged background to have the choice to do sex work. If you’re doing it because you have no other job skills, it’s not a choice. If you’re doing it because you are being threatened or coerced, it’s not a choice. Doing it by choice means recognizing you have other options, but still opting for sex work. That’s rare, I think. Then again, does one really work mopping the floors at McDonald’s because they have a choice, or is that because they need the money? So, same thing. Reminds me of a humanitarian worker I read years ago who said that, who was he to tell some woman living in poverty in rural Asia that a couple hours of sex work a night wasn’t preferable to 12 hours slaving in a rice paddy? Which is a great way of saying that poverty doesn’t remove all choice. Nor does it automatically render people victims.
- I knew a Venezuelan prostitute once when I lived in the Dominican Republic and she definitely chose to strip, just as she chose to sell sex. She was also incredibly gorgeous, as I think all Venezuelan women just freakishly are, and she taught me a great way to manipulate men to do your bidding. It doesn’t work with men who don’t flirt, though. Used it on a boss of mine once – worked like a charm. He chuckled like a schoolboy and totally got off my case.
- I have a huge fear of chaos. I grew up in a dysfunctional, chaotic home and I spent my early adult years with a group of people from similar backgrounds. It took me years to figure out another way to be – still have to work on it, sometimes. But I found the people I know who did sex work, including stripping, seemed to be living in that chaotic world I have worked so hard to get away from, and it’s caused me to shy away from them.
Contradictory as Hell
Basically, my feelings about stripping are a totally mixed bag.
I like the sexiness; I’m scared of the sexiness. I want to be part of that world and explore that side of myself – yet I have so much baggage associated with it, that I’m scared of where it would take me. And, having stepped a toe into those waters years ago with the phone sex, I have a pretty good idea.
But I don’t think stripping is the only way to explore those feelings. Nor that people who are stripping must necessarily be exploring any deep emotional issue, at all. Or that any of that is relevant, since people are, in the end, just doing their job.
Most of all, I think the crap in my head on this issue would fade instantly – as most of the crap in my head tends to do – when confronted with real people and real situations. Nothing takes away fears of the unknown like making the object of fear familiar. So maybe I should start stripping. Or explore that world more in some way.
I don’t really know.
But, of course, stripping is a business – not some personal therapy session for post-feminist exploration.
I guess I just want to point out that everyone has contradictory feelings about stripping, and I’d like to think that that’s okay.
The Creepy Part
The thing about all this, though, is that the sexuality of stripping and the moralizing (including feminist moralizing) that goes along with it, serve only to cloud the real ugliness of stripping, which is the total abuse of power from the club owners.
The more we waste our time arguing about stripping and its impact on the world, the less we are looking at the usurious management practices of strip club owners, which create a work environment that would be illegal in any other type of employment.
What it all comes down to …
Argue all you want about pole dancing and stripping, but, please, be honest about where you stand. Own your personal contradictions. And, while you’re at it, take a step back from the focus on all the sexuality, from all the good girl/bad girl crap, and take a peek at the management practices of your local strip club.
Whatever your views of stripping – indignant or supportive – that’s the rug we all need to look under.
Your turn: what do you think?
Fantastic post! Thanks for owning up to your contradictions, it’s refreshing to see someone say honestly that they’re unsure.
I went through many of the similar shifts you did, thanks largely to a highly-belated awakening of sexual awareness at 21, but I started investigating Pro-Sex Feminism a lot further and found some awesome resources from people who have investigated this further. Being pro-woman doesn’t always have to mean not liking sex work or feminism (though yes, it is a continual battle).
I’d recommend checking out Susie Bright, Poly Patao Productions, Audre Lorde, and Annie Sprinkle, as well as the use of burlesque amongst feminist, queer, trans, and/or political arenas. Also look into sex work advocacy organisations and media, such as Scarlet Alliance and $pread, if you’re interested in investigating these issues. Good luck!
Another thought, from @SunnyNPhoenix’s comment: do you think the toll stripping takes on many dancers is related to the level of exploitation from the management at their club?
Wouldn’t be surprised at all …
@SunnyNPhoenix – Thank you for mentioning the issue of how strippers are – or aren’t – paid in the clubs. Why is it that when sex work is involved, the law expects you to take whatever is dished out?
[...] really hasn’t been the case. In fact, it’s more the opposite – whenever I write a post so personal that it scares me to upload it, I have learned those are usually your favorites. So I guess I am blessed with very forgiving, [...]
One thing I love about pole dancing, is that it is a grass roots kind of dance. Women just made it all up. There’s no right or wrong, it’s just how you do it. does it look good? Then do more of it. I love that organicness. And now women who aren’t strippers pick up that dance. so we should never hate on those women who created it.
And then there’s the other side. My first pole teacher was a stripper. She became a good friend and even lived with my husband and I for a few months when she was between places to live. I saw in her a psychological decline, for lack of a better phrase. So at least for her, stripping took a toll over time. It was sad to watch her eyes become vacant on and off stage. So while I can be progressive and see the sensuality of the dance and celebrate that, at the core there is a mutual exploitation in the exchange. And I suppose that is harder on some people than on others. So my conflict comes in the impact it can have.
I also wanted to pick up on a comment you made at the end about owners of strip clubs. At least in my state, they do not pay the girls at all. They make tips only. And then they have to tip the bar tenders and the bouncers. So while almost every state has laws about what you can and cannot do in a strip club (can you touch etc). These girls are not protected by any labor laws. They have no insurance, no sick time, nothing. It’s hard to image. So at least tip when you go because that is all they get.
Can I add one more thing?
I just thought of a chat I once had with a Facebook friend that perfectly illustrates differing attitudes on WANTING to do erotic work. I need to obscure some details to protect her privacy–but here it is:
She has a modeling site where she uploads pictures that are a little more out there than what you can post on YT or FB…let’s call it very soft core modelling/artistic nudes and a little fetish type stuff. One day she told me that she and her husband were out for dinner with some friends and one of the dinner guests said to her, “You’d better be careful or you are going to end up like that girl ****** (insert name of a FAMOUS semi-mainstream Fetish Model)”
She didn’t say anything at the time, but told me that, in fact, ****** was her absolute role model…her supreme artistic/photographic goal in life. She was training, struggling, and putting all of her energy into acomplishing the creation of an internet site of her own modeled somewhat after her idol…and was grievously insulted that her friend saw this other person in such a negative light…
Joel Lessing
I could totally relate to your statements about being really screwed when you are forced to reconcile your progressive beliefs with your love of pole and stripping. It’s even worse if you are a 49 year old, straight, married guy. As a general rule, I don’t talk too much about my politics in my pole related posts–but it would be a safe bet to assume that my politics are fairly left. I believe in equal rights for women, men,gays,lesbians, and straight and probably agree with 90-95% of the positions that would be described as “feminist.” Then again, I have a fairly conventional marriage (nearly 25 years!). I’ve only been to a strip club once–to see ******* in her amateur night–an experience I wrote about on Studio Veena (with *******’s consent). Laurie didn’t go, but didn’t have a problem with me going (well, no more that blowing $100 at a rock concert, ha ha, that pisses her off too–she does the budget!) She HAS gone to burlesque shows and had a great time, but they are less sexual and more in about humour and satire than overt sexuality.
But I just have to be honest and admit that I love looking at beautiful, sexy women dancing and dressing up in hot clothes, taking pictures, and looking strong, athletic, and hot. It’s just a natural thing to me and it seems stupid to be ashamed of it. I guess it would be different if I were hitting on them or being sneaky about it–I’m not. I think there is a difference between the “play” and “flirtation” factor in pole and the social networking that goes along with it than “cheating” in real life. And the same is true for strip clubs I think.
I guess if there is anything that bothers me about the “feminist” movement–and that is a word that is fraught with contradictions in and of itself–is that it has, to some extent, made it more difficult to have this element of flirtation and play in the general society. And perhaps that is an acceptble price to pay so tht we can have workplaces free of sexual harrassment and intimidation of women. But I sometimes wonder if the expansion of pole, burlesque, and the various other sexual arts doesn’t represent a safety valve in the society for people to blow off the sexual steam built up elsewhere in their lives.
As for loving stripping, getting naked onstage, showing off and revelling in the adoring attention of an audience completely within your control and domination–well, I think there are MILLIONS of women (and men!!) who have those feelings. And while there are women who dance for money and desperation, there are many who jut LOVE to do it. I have talked to MANY of them right here on Facebook or SV in chat. One dancer I talked to in Australia, who works at a 9-5 “real job” quote/unquote told me she stripped all through college for the money. Now she can’t wait for the weekend–and drives a couple of hundred miles every Friday night to strip with her old girlfriends. SHe said the club was like her family and she couldn’t stand not dancing more than a few weeks!
So everybody has a different view of things, I guess. Contradictions are a pretty natural part of life. I guess my main thing is that as long as there is CONSENT…and HONESTY with your partner, people should just lighten up about it and not make themselves or other people feel bad.
Joel Lessing
Fantastic post! Thanks for owning up to your contradictions, it’s refreshing to see someone say honestly that they’re unsure.
I went through many of the similar shifts you did, thanks largely to a highly-belated awakening of sexual awareness at 21, but I started investigating Pro-Sex Feminism a lot further and found some awesome resources from people who have investigated this further. Being pro-woman doesn’t always have to mean not liking sex work or feminism (though yes, it is a continual battle).
I’d recommend checking out Susie Bright, Poly Patao Productions, Audre Lorde, and Annie Sprinkle, as well as the use of burlesque amongst feminist, queer, trans, and/or political arenas. Also look into sex work advocacy organisations and media, such as Scarlet Alliance and $pread, if you’re interested in investigating these issues. Good luck!
Love the dialogue on this topic! It’s making me think a lot about my own ideas and perceptions. What I’m seeing is where my boundaries lie – like, I don’t mind dancing in a sensual, sexy manner; I’ve done that for years with belly dancing.
Rather, for me, it’s something about the audience, which has always been an issue for me. I never liked belly dancing in front of audiences who knew nothing about it, and I think I feel similarly about pole – I don’t want to pole for audiences that don’t feel about it the way I do.
But that’s just my controlling nature.
Georgiamarie…
It’s not that I don’t experience jealousy…I do. It just so happens it’s never been in a strip club. However, it could be some time that’s what will happen.
The thing is jealousy isn’t about what happens but the underlying reason why you’re feeling insecure about yourself, your relationship or your partner. Therefore it has nothing to do with the strip club.
@Mary Ellen…
You sound like one of the lucky few whose feelings actually follow logical thought processes!
I agree with absolutely everything you said.
When I think logically about it, I don’t care that my guy gets turned on my someone/thing other than me.
When I think logically about it, I know he actually loves me.
When I think logically about it, there is nothing wrong with sexual entertainment and admiring or dabbling in sensuality for fun. It’s human and very enjoyable and healthy.
I know, I know. I agree.
BUT – feelings of jealousy are not born out of logic.
In fact, they usually conflict with all rational thought
And that’s where I stand. My feelings do not always match my beliefs. Boy I wish they did, everything would be so much easier.
First I apologize for writing a book here but I hope a few people will at least skim through this and understand my thoughts on this topic.
I went back and read (admittedly in some parts skimmed) the original blog and comments just to catch up. Throughout it all I repeatedly find that I am asking myself WHAT are my conflicting emotions about strippers and strip clubs?
I’m not being pretentious here – I really don’t feel I have any. If someone can suggest something that I agree with, please help me figure this out because I don’t empathize with any of the feelings of conflict I’ve read. I respect and recognize the feelings many have but I don’t share them.
My love for pole dancing came from going to my first strip club at the age of 39 and seeing what I considered to be grace, skill, strength, feminism and athleticism all rolled into one. Talk about shock and awe!!! I was in love with pole dancing.
So…over a decade later, probably about a 100 strip club trips later, I think of some of these conflicts and I can’t see how they fit me. I CAN see how they fit others – just not myself.
I’m very fortunate as I’ve never been a victim of sexual abuse – though having known others and cared for others I can understand their conflicts. But then these people (men and women) can have issues dealing with their entire world and their own personal relationships…even if they have “healthy” relationships.
I’ve never been forced to work in a job I hated to make a living, but no one has to work as a stripper to make a living. Many people, as previously mentioned, choose jobs they hate just to make a living and stripping is not the only option. Neither is prostitution, people who “professionally” take advantage of welfare, being a criminal or con artist, etc. I think some women become strippers for the wrong reasons simply because they don’t know how to make good choices, not because it’s the ONLY bad choice.
Guys get turned on in strip clubs. WOW! Who would’ve thought? Guess what? Some guys get turned on when the wind blows! Some get turned on by a short skirt, by seeing girl in a bikini at the local pool, by watching women lift weights, etc.
Maybe I’m weird…but I don’t mind if my husband gets turned on by something that another woman does. He’s human. Who cares! Who does he love? I have no doubts about that. Is he going to cheat on me with a girl just because she grinds on him in a strip club? If so then our problems are so much more than a bit of temptation in his face!
I’m prouder than hell when another woman finds my husband attractive and he loves it when other men find me attractive. However, lets be honest, most of the women in strip clubs don’t really want anything from us other than to make a living…no more than that waitress who is bubbly and nice and walks away from our table thinking we chatted with her too much and wasted her time cause she really doesn’t care about us.
Strippers are objectified, exploited or taken advantage of. This requires very little thought…so are thousands of women in ever walk of life around the world.
Strippers are drug addicts or alcoholics. Yes, some are. However stripping didn’t make them that way. I’ve seen waitresses in strip clubs who never took of their clothes and are also addicts. I’ve seen women who work in bars who are alcoholics. I’ve seen others who are teachers, lawyers, housewives, who are addicts or alcoholics. I’ve seen and known many strippers who are not. Maybe, just maybe, the same women who chose to strip for a living for the wrong reasons are the same type who would make mistakes when confronted by drugs and alcohol.
Would I work as a stripper? I’ve thought about it. Probably will at some point. My husband has no problem with it. I’ve been on stage and danced in strip clubs (as a guest) and was I objectified as a sexual object? Hell yes! Did I enjoy it? DOUBLE hell yes!! I don’t see anything wrong with enjoying my sexual power or flaunting my body. When I’m buying a pair of jeans I don’t turn around and look in the mirror because I want to make certain the pockets are straight!!! Nude or clothed I’m quite comfortable in front of others!
If you want to believe that we are objectified and that that is wrong…then cover yourself from head to toe with non-fitting, ugly clothing, don’t put on a spec of make up, don’t color your hair, don’t wear jewelry, let your hair dry as it is when you get out of the shower, don’t tweeze your eyebrows, and then maybe I’ll believe that you don’t allow yourself to place any value on physical appearance to others or even yourself when you look in a mirror!
And I’ve said this a million times so once more won’t hurt..there isn’t a single form of dance that is meant to draw the attention to what great eyes you have! Every type of dance is about drawing attention to your body and how it moves.
This was a very thorough post on why we are human! LOL! It is impossible not to have mixed feelings on many things in the world and I agree with many of your thoughts.
One opinion I had on the negativity associated with stripping is that in some cases (notice I’m not saying all!) is that it may seem the women in that environment can be more easily disrespected or taken advantage of, that there is a lack of treating them as an individual with feelings, thoughts, passions or empowerment. Something that we, in the studio world, work hard to incorporate in our dancer community. That we are all beautiful, sexy women, women who are empowered and strong. And maybe that connotation to stripper, “strips” down that empowerment to something seedy and something we have no control over. (Stripping can also be compared to religion. Religion is generally a good thing, it’s just the fanatics that give it a bad name.)
But like Sissybuns said, Strippers are there to entertain, to captivate, to take people away from their day to day reality- to perform. In that case, I don’t mind being compared to a stripper!
I find all of these contradictions pretty interesting. I can only imagine how hard it must be to dabble in the field of stripping (by pole dancing) if you have some type of aversion (at any level) to stripping itself. My husband and I and tons of our friends (both male and female) frequent strip clubs all the time and for me the best part about it is that it’s innocent fun. LOL, yes I called it innocent.
We go and sit in a bar and drink and have fun without my man having to worry about guys hitting on me or me being concerned with women trying to give him the eye when I’m not looking. I know that if these girls pay him attention it’s for one thing and one thing only. The stash of cash he’s got in his pocket. And most of the time he hands the cash over to me and tells me to have a good time so they end up ignoring him anyway LOL.
I love the reception I get as a female in the stripclub and how the girls play around with me and chat me up. It’s fun to watch my husband get a random lapdance from a wandering dancer looking for a quick $10 bucks or for him to watch a girl dance with me.
I think I may be so laid back about this thing because I appreciate how hard these girls work. They put on a show for hours at a time. They smile and grin and appear to be a fantasy come true at the drop of a dime no matter what may be going on in their personal lives. They’re there to entertain us. Like a real life movie. Customer service at it’s best.
I don’t take the whole issue too seriously. To me they are doing a job just like I do as a nurse that goes to work everyday and deals with sick people who are coming to me for assistance on one of the worst days of their lives. It’s my job to make them feel better to the best of my ability and to me that’s what dancers do.
I’m kind of just rambling now because I don’t have any super insightful things to say about this subject because it’s not a big deal to me. The only reason I even bother to point out that I am a poledancer and not a stripper is because I have seen some lazy ass strippers who don’t do much on a pole and I want people to know that there’s so much more to it than just taking off clothes and exciting a mans loins. I can do that without a pole, LOL. But to study the artform and movement of this exotic dance and it’s athletic moves is something else entirely. And much harder. In my eyes.
Hey everybody,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this with me. I was a bit tense on posting this one, but I think life is so much easier when we can honestly say who we are, instead of trying to fit some image we (or others) have of ourselves.
Love you all!
Jennifer
Wow. I’m really impressed by your honesty. I can say that I have had a desire to strip, and that whole side of things is compelling to me.
I know where in comes from with me. Those things that inform how we all feel about stripping? Been through them all. Bought up Christian, spent time in a fundamentalist cult group in my teens (the guaranteed way to get your views on sexuality messed up!). Became a feminist and still have all the baggage…
It’s all a giant mess. I don’t find some of the way the pole community is helps talk about it. There’s a lot of good/bad girl virgin/whore dictomony going on.
apologies for the spelling in this!
Jennifer – I heart you.
Ok… here we go. I’ll try to keep this brief, but no promises…
Once upon a time in my pole dancing “life” I had wanted to do an amateur night myself. I really wanted a chance to show off my pole skills and told myself that I wouldn’t take my clothes off, etc. etc. Maybe there was a small part of me wanting to show that there’s a way to enjoy a more sensually-oriented show without nudity involved.
But yeah, who was I kidding.
It never worked out and in retrospect, I’m glad it didn’t. I’m Christian and I believe I still would’ve been going against everything else I believe in. Plus, you’re not going to change men’s minds about sexual shows in a strip club – all I would be doing is leaving them thinking I was a prude. Plus I get wicked stage fright…
I went to a strip club once with my husband. He had been bugging me forever, and it was MY suggestion to go that night. I had a horrible time (LONG story). But I ended up sitting at a table by myself while my husband went up to the stage, and I sat there and watched these other women crawl all over him. I didn’t like the idea of other women touching him in a way that only I as his wife should be able to do. Yeah, I know he loves only me and he married ME not someone else, but I still couldn’t help wondering, “If he really did love only me and all that, why would he feel the need/desire for this type of entertainment from someone else? (especially since his wife has a pole in the bedroom at home!!!) The idea of a sexy show from someone other than me is supposed to actually be a turn-off, right?”
That whole episode left me fantasizing about that happening again someday, except with me jumping up on the stage and dancing just to make my husband feel the same jealousy I did. But I know I could/would never actually do it and it would only be out of spite – I’d regret it later.
So yes, I do believe we all have contradicting thoughts about the subject, and I think part of it is because it boils down to our thoughts on sex itself and human nature – at least it does for me, and while I have figured a lot out for myself, I still struggle. Everyone as their own baggage somehow associated with the subject that they have to reconcile – and be HONEST with themselves about.
~Journey
P.S. I also forgot to say that it’s not the stripping world/idea that I get jealous or shifty about…. because I no qualms with my male friends enjoying a good show. I encourage it, and chat over drinks about it at the pub. I think sexy, sensual, innocent adult entertainment is wonderful.
And like you said it would, all that sounded all pseudo-supportive.
But the point is, it when it’s my boyfriend, it suddenly a whooooole different thing.
Suddenly what was previously a nice pretty boobie, all round and aesthetically pleasing and soft to touch is now a sexual naughty private part, that he will lust over and imprint in his head and wish he could kiss.
Ridiculous much?
Maybe so. But still normal I dare say.
Oooh I am so glad you demanded we “own our contradictions”. Thank God you said that, I always feel so guilty for all the contradictions in my head!
I teach pole, I love pole. I teach stripping and lap dancing and floor work. I perform in my undies at expos and strip clubs and corporate events. I love going to strip clubs, I have so much fun there and I enjoy seeing the beautiful bodies and pretty costumes and mesmirising dances.
But I feel so angry and jealous and hurt when my boyfriend/ex (or whoever) goes to a strip club and enjoys it just as I do.
Is that fair? I used to think “Well, I teach girls how to lap dance, I can’t exactly put my foot down and forbid my partner from getting one now can I?”
But I want to.
Is that bad? Sometimes I think so. Other times I think I’m entitled to have boundaries in my personal relationship, and what works for one couple doesn’t for the next.
But then people throw things like “you work in the same industry too! You’re just like them” and “You dance in bikinis for men, so your man should be able to look at bikini girls dancing!” at me.
But I don’t know if that’s true!
First of all, I’m not dancing for the men, I don’t even notice they are there. I am not getting off of showing off, I’m just swinging round a pole and having the time of my life playing dress ups.
For serious. That part I DO know for sure. And I don’t think that means I should HAVE to be okay with my partner watching girls do what I do.
Should it?